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It’s All In 
The Breakin’ In 



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“Jimmie’s Arrival at M 


55 





LIDRARY of C0N3RESS ' 
Two Copies Received 

DEC 2 iy04 

Copynimt tntry ! 

7irv,S. Kto*^ \ 

CUSS ^ Me, Noi 
COPY b. : 

1 -- m I I i| 


COPYRIGHT 1904 
BY 


C. B. HARRIS 


ife the 9uhlie in general and tc these good 
fellews who help te make brighter the 
dark spots in likt this beck is most 
affeetionatelii dedicated. 




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LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS 


Frontispiece. 

“Jimmie’s Arrival at M ” 

“Looking for the Bees.” 
“Summing up the Situation.” 
“Pauline.” 'Z 


‘Bates getting the Final Dose.’ 



) 


CONTENTS 


Page 

“Up Against a New Proposition” ll 

“Great Celebrations— The Hotbed of Novel 
Experiences” 37 

/ 

“A Friendly Tip— Nit” 45 

“The Result of Diplomacy” 59 

“The Chance of a Lifetime” 65 

“Phone Conversation” 79 

“A Dodging Game” 85 

“Married Life” 95 



up Against a New Proposition 


— ^just in — and if being in has 
1 any sympathy with staying — 
here's where I’m going to stop, 
for I’m seasick with this drifting along. 
A fellow when starting out generally 
thinks the wind blows just the right 
direction, but he certainly finds it a dif- 
ferent proposition before he has gone 
very far. It takes a mighty good old 
codger to avoid running up against the 
sand banks now-a-days, and I know, 
what I’m talking about, for I’ve been 
bumped, rubbed and monkeyed with un- 
til I think I’m the original human 
Kahau. 


12 


ALL IN THE BREAKIN’ IN. 


“So, one more review of my breaking 
into America and it’s good old ways — 
then me to the ranks of those who earn 
their bread by the sweat of their brow. 

“ ’Pon my word, Bates, all these bumps 
go a long way toward helping make a 
man of a fellow and I’ll swear if things 
hadn’t happened as they have with me, 
I’d be milkin’ Old Green Grass heifers 
right now; I don’t mean to say that 
milkin’ heifers is not the right thing to 
do, but I think a fellow ought to look 
for something better, don’t you ? So 
here I am with a fair assortment of know- 
ing to make the start, and, again, while 
we finish our cigars, I will try and repeat 
the story of my experience in 'breakin’ 
in’’ to the ways of this good old country, 
of which we are so proud. 


ALL IN THE BREAKIN’ IN. 


13 


‘'You’ve met with those smart little 
jewels of fifteen, haven’t you? ‘Johnny 
Wise’ to everything and never having 
been ‘up against it,’ ready to attempt 
anything. Well, I was one of those lit- 
tle beauties and one day I decided to visit 
a friend of the family who was living in 

the small town of M , and thought it 

would be quite a trick to take them by 
surprise, but soon found out that this 
surprise proposition was not a joke. This 
was my first visit in a Central State or 
in a community where my native lan- 
guage was not spoken. English was to 
me then what Chinese is today. ‘Yes’ 
and ‘No’ was the limit of my knowledge 
of this language and I didn’t even know 
when to use these two words. Talk 
about your handicap, eh? 


14 


ALL IN THE BREAKIN’ IN. 


is a small town of which it 

would be a hard matter to decide who 
has the majority — the whites or the 
blacks. The depot is situated in a locality 
which the white folks call ‘Nigger 
Town/ and you bet it’s a pretty cloudy 
neighborhood. 

‘Tn my time there was no such thing as 
a negro in the country I came from. I 
had often read about them, but always 
understood they were a sort of wild ani- 
mal. At times when I kicked about my 
mother’s cooking, and her biscuits being 
out of shape, pale and sickly looking, she 
would tell me to stop my kicking or she 
would give me to a negro. Just the name 
would turn me into a little angel and I’d 
eat any old thing she’d put in front of 
me. To this day I have very little or no 
use for the ‘Coon.’ 


ALL IN THE BREAKIN’ IN. 


15 


“Well, as I started to say, I took my 
little grip in hand, bade farewell to my 
family and started out full of confidence 
in my ability to overcome any obstacles 
which might arise on my entrance among 
new people and strange surroundings. 

“It was just about sunrise when the 

train pulled into the depot at M . The 

conductor came up, took my ticket and 
said something that evidently meant 
‘This is where you get off/ as he took 
me by the arm and lead me out, leaving 
me with a wave of the hand as much as to 
say, ‘Good luck to you, kid.’ 

“I had written that I would be apt to 
drop in any day, but didn’t say exactly 
which day, and, of course, there wasn’t 
any one at the depot to meet me. As is 
generally the case, if negroes live near a 


16 


ALL IN THE BREAKIN’ IN. 


railroad station, they come pretty nearly 
seeing everybody who comes in. 

“The whole ‘Nigger Town’ must have 
been there that morning. This was the 
first time I had ever gazed upon their 
ebony countenances, with the exception 
of one who entered the car on my trip 
down and nearly threw me into a fit. 
Never having seen so many of the black 
faces before, the thought of being sur- 
rounded by what appeared to be a mil- 
lion came nearer putting me to the bad 
than anything that ever happened to me 
before or since. I thought surely I had 
taken the wrong train and landed in 
Africa among the Mad Mulah, or some 
other seaport, didn’t know where. If I 
could have sprouted wings at that mo- 
ment I would certainly have taken to 
the air. 


ALL IN THE BREAKIN’ IN. 


17 


“While in this nervous and frightened 
condition, my eyes, in seeking an outlet 
from the apparently hopeless predica^ 
ment in which I found myself, discov- 
ered a white man standing at the far end 
of the platform and I immediately steered 
my course toward him as a sailor does 
to a lighthouse in time of storm. 

“He saw I was looking for protection 
and met me half way. He asked many 
questions to which I could only reply ‘Yes' 
or ‘No.' He made a sign for me to fol- 
low him, which I did, and closely, too. 
Ever since that occasion I've been thank- 
ful that I wasn't so dull as to miss out on 
signs ; if I had, it would have been all up 
with me. Jimmie would certainly have 
had to walk out of the United States, for 
my pocket could not have been held up 
for more than a measly $1.17. 


18 


ALL IN THE BREAKIN’ IN. 


'^During our walk to town I did tHe 
most sensible thing I'd ever done in my 
life, and that was to write down on a 
piece of paper the name of the man whom 
I was seeking and showed it to my guide. 
He nodded his head in acknowledgment 
and laughed. 

, ‘‘He then took me to a drug store, 
where I began to feel proud, glad and full 
of good humor, thinking sure I would 
surprise my friend, but was disappointed 
again. A fellow will sometimes meet 
with some serious obstructions when he 
thinks his way clear. My friend had left 
the day before to visit the Chicago 
World's Fair. I hope some lobster got 
a similar dose at the St. Louis Exposi- 
tion as that I received during my first ex- 
perience. 


ALL IN THE BREAKIN’ IN. 


19 


‘While my escort and the clerk dis- 
cussed my situation, I stood there like a 
man who has a bad case of indigestion. 
I imagined everything that could possibly 
run through a boy’s mind, and more, too. 

“They decided to take me to my. 
friend’s house. This was certainly a very 
kind act, even though it was a pretty 
tough proposition, as I afterwards found 
out. 

“When the clerk took me by the arm, 
saying something which I concluded 
must mean ‘Follow me,’ I was unde- 
cided as to whether it would be the right 
thing to do or not. I thought the drug 
store was good enough for me. 

“However, after a little deliberation 
and some laughing on the part of my 
new-found friends, I followed. 


20 


ALL IN THE BREAKIN’ IN. 


“My nerves were becoming a little 
shaky because I couldn’t understand why 
the people I wanted couldn’t be found. 

“At the house we were met by the serv- 
ant girl. She and the clerk had quite a 
lengthy conversation before I understood 
that it was the place where I was to stay. 

“The girl then took my hat and at the 
same time handed me a letter, which was 
from my friend, saying he had written in 
case I arrived while he was away; that 
he and his wife would be gone for two 
or three weeks, possibly longer, and gave 
suggestions as to what I should do to pass 
away the time to keep from getting 
homesick. The Lord knows what a lovely 
time I had. 

“The girl knew who I was all right, 
and had received instructions as to how 


ALL IN THE BREAKIN’ IN. 


21 


to handle me. I don^t know whether she 
followed close instructions or not; any- 
way, she certainly made a side show of 
me. 

‘^After the clerk had gone she sat be- 
side me and talked for four hours — and 
she thought I was interested, too. Many 
times since that day I have felt that I 
would give a great deal to know what she 
was talking about. It really must have 
been something Vich,’ from the way she 
would be convulsed with laughter. 

‘‘All this time I was wondering how 
often ‘eating time’ came around in this 
country, for I certainly needed some- 
thing under my belt, as it had been some 
time since I’d had anything to eat. I had 
grown so thin that I could touch my 
backbone by pressing lightly on my 


22 


ALL IN THE BREAKIN’ IN. 


stomach. I actually couldn’t tell whether 
I had the stomach ache or the back ache. 

^Were you ever so hungry that the 
sight of anything good to eat made the 
water drop from your mouth like the sap 
from a maple tree? Well, that explains 
my case exactly. To my way of think- 
ing, it would have been a great deal more 
interesting had she taken me by the arm 
and shown the way to something to eat. 
A fellow is in for it bad when he is hun- 
gry and can’t tell it. There is nothing 
to do but wait until it’s brought to you. 

‘^The thought must have occurred to 
her that a fellow who has been traveling 
is liable to get hungry some time, for she 
went to the kitchen to prepare dinner. 
This was a case where a man has to take 
things as easy as possible and make the 
best of the worst that might happen. 


ALL IN THE BREAKIN’ IN. 


23 


“I was deeply interested in the situa- 
tion in which I found myself, when I 
heard a bell ringing. I couldn’t under- 
stand for the world why a bell was ring- 
ing at this time of the day. It occurred 
to me that my father used to go after his 
bees with a small bell when they ran 
away, and would soon return with the 
whole swarm. 

listened for a moment — ^the bell kept 
on ringing, just as father’s used^to do, so 
I decided that somebody’s bees had run 
off and rushed out to see if I could locate 
them around the house. 

*‘Just as I was going out of the door 
the girl caught me by the arm and rang 
that bell close to my ear, all the way to 
the dining room. 

''Now, I don’t mind the ringing of a 


24 


ALL IN THE BREAKIN’ IN. 


bell at a distance — but I’ll be dogged if 
I like it when it’s right into my ear, but 
didn’t say anything or make demonstra- 
tions of any kind — I was too hungry and 
didn’t care to take chances on missing my 
dinner, now that it was before me. 

sat down to the table feeling as light 
as a feather-weight and left it, only after 
everything had been cleaned out, swelled 
up like a toad. Upon leaving the table 
the girl remarked that I must have been 
hungry. To her astonishment I an- 
swered ‘No.’ She looked at me, then at 
the table, and laughed. It was a long 
time before I could understand why she 
laughed so hard, unless it was an ex- 
pression of joy that I had left the dishes. 

‘T surely did justice to that meal, for 
the back of my neck was actually sore from 



“Lookinjy For the Rees” 












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ALL IN THE BREAKIN’ IN. 


25 


the excessive throwing down of meat, 
potatoes, bread and butter and occasion- 
ally a little tea between bites. To abbre- 
viate the story a little, I had room for the 
goods and certainly used every inch of 
space. 

“After dinner the girl showed me 
through the house, explained everything 
and told me the price of every article. 
I didn’t know what she was talking 
about, but have since learned that that 
was her intention. It’s wonderful how 
a woman can find out the cost of every- 
thing in her neighbor’s house. 

“Finally she led me to a cozy little cor- 
ner where stood a large framed picture 
— a young man who had a girl in his 
arms, kissing her for all there was in it 
— with the inscription at the bottom of it. 


26 


ALL IN THE BREAKIN’ IN. 


In a Lover’s Corner.’ It was a plain 
case of being cornered all right. 

^‘While I stood there and admired this 
picture in a quiet sort of way, my friend 
patted me on the cheek. All that sort of 
thing might have gone in those days, but 
let some damsel come that game on me 
now. There is no use in talking — ^the 
lady would have a different story to tell. 

''The name of this senorita is Lediable- 
boiteux, the definition of which is 
'The Devil on Two Sticks.’ Now, from 
the first day I saw this lady, I thought she 
was full of mischief, and after learning 
the full meaning of her name I consid- 
ered myself a pretty good judge of 
human nature. 

"When the time came to prepare sup- 
per she said something which I construed 


ALL IN THE BREAKIN’ IN. 


27 


as meaning that the evening meal would 
be very light. I answered ‘No/ and 
after she got through telling about the 
things she was going to have she left, 
giving me the ha! ha! Now, do you 
think it is pleasant to be laughed at? 
With me it depends altogether as to the 
circumstances and often as to who does 
the laughing. 

“I was glad that supper was being pre- 
pared for I was pretty hungry, even 
though I had eaten very liberally at din- 
ner, and, judging from the length of time 
the lady had taken to tell what kind of a 
supper we were to have, of course, I 
thought it would be a repetition of the 
mid-day affair and was therefore glory- 
ing in anticipation. 

“While I was absorbed with the 


28 


ALL IN THE BREAKIN’ IN. 


thought of a royal supper, I heard that 
bell ring again ; it was the same girl, too. 
This time I was certainly up in the air 
for true. To my way of thinking she 
was becoming pretty darned insulting. 
This was the second time she had rung 
that bell at me. I thought it was noth- 
ing but pure unadulterated meanness, and 
decided not to pay any attention to her at 
all. She came into the room where I 
was, took me by the arm and escorted 
me to the table, ringing the bell for all 
she was worth and carrying with her one 
of those smiles that makes a fellow feel 
like a gibbering idiot. I couldn’t see the 
joke at all. What right had she to ring a 
bell at me ? There wasn’t anything about 
me that looked like a bee or insect of any 
kind ; and to think I had to put up with 
such doings for two long weeks. 


ALL IN THE BREAKIN’ IN. 29 

“When I sat down to the table, what 
did I get ? Nothing but bread and butter, 
and very little of that. There was three 
kinds of stuff to drink, but she gave me 
the very one I didn’t care for. If course, 

I suppose she asked me which I would 
have, coffee, milk or beer. And, of 
course, I answered Wes.’ She gave me 
coffee; why couldn’t she have grabbed 
the beer bottle instead of the coffee pot? - 
This is enough to show you what kind of 
luck I was up against. It was a clear 
case of take what you can get. 

“At bed time she took me to the room 
I was to occupy, turned down the bed 
cover, took my head between her hands 
as though she were handling a plaster- 
paris bust, or as if I had been labeled 
'Handle with care,’ and forced me to lean 


30 


ALL IN THE BRBAKIN’ IN. 


and fall on the bed, and, to finish her 
work, forced my head down into the pil- 
low as much as to say that a bed was a 
thing to lie down on. 

*‘She didn’t have to do that, because 
where I came from the people lie down 
in bed, too. It is true that the ways of 
this country are very different, but they 
don’t vary so much that I thought Ameri- 
cans stood up in bed to sleep. 

“I might as well have stayed up all 
night, for all the good the bed did me. 
The way this damsel was spreading it 
over me was a little more than my nerv- 
ous system would stand for. Sleeping was 
all out of the question; the ring of that 
bell played ‘Hello’ in my ears all night, 
and I expected that some stray bees 
would land on my countenance at any 
moment. 


ALL IN THE BREAKIN’ IN. 


31 


tell you I got mighty blue during 
that night, and in the morning decided 
to take a walk to town. While walking 
to the village I noticed everybody on 
both sides of the street were looking at 
me with such a What-in-the-devil-is-the- 
matter’ look, that I wondered if there was 
something wrong with me; thought I 
would take a look at myself, too — ^per- 
haps in my nervous and excited condition 
I had forgotten to put on my pants or, 
something ; everything imaginable was in 
my mind. I cut across a small lot to a 
pasture where horses were standing in 
the shade, taking life easy. I hadn’t 
heard about the horse laugh then, or I 
wouldn’t have gone there, you bet. 

*‘l sat down to sum up my situation 
and came to the conclusion that the best 


32 


ALL IN THE BREAKIN’ IN. 


thing for me to do, as I was broke, was 
to face the music. Perhaps it was a pecu- 
liar way these American people have of 
announcing the time to feed, or, the Yan- 
kee bees had a bad habit of running off 
just about meal time — they differed in 
that sense from me, for I certainly wanted 
my feet under some one’s table when eat- 
ing time came around, and that difference 
alone, I thought, was sufficient for any 
human with a particle of horse sense to 
see I didn’t belong to any species of in- 
sect and know that the music of a bell 
was unnecessary. But we all have our 
way of assembling the different families, 
and the bell is used to assemble the Amer- 
icans at the table. 

“Well, to make a long story short, my 
experience while awaiting the return of 


4 






g 



“Summing Up the Situation” 






ALL IN THE BREAKIN’ IN. 


33 


my friends from the World’s Fair in 
Chicago was one series of mishaps and 
ludicrous misunderstandings. I spent the 
time in getting acquainted with the ‘city’ 
and its inhabitants as best I could, and 
managed to exist in a sort of a way until 
the arrival of my friends at home put an 
end to my suffering. 

“I spent the next few years in that 
town trying to become accustomed to 
the manners and way of living of the peo- 
ple and acquiring the language which 
was so necessary to my welfare. 

“The World’s Fair agitation some few 
years ago caused me to come to this, the 
Central City of the Louisiana Purchase, 
and finish among the cosmopolitan sur- 
roundings of the World’s Fair the pro- 
cess of ‘breakin’ in.” 


/ 


GREAT CELEBRATIONS 










Great Celebrations — The Hotbed of 
Novel Experiences 

A ll these great celebrations afford 
many opportunities for good and 
novel experiences. Talk about 
experiences — a fellow can step up against 
more live wires in St. Louis now at raised 
prices than any other place on the face 
of the earth. For example, the World's 
Fair Dollar is a favorite at One to Three ; 
this is the best thing on the programme. 

On the square it's getting to be a se- 
rious question with me. I've been board- 
ing with the same family for several 
years, paying a dollar a day for their hos- 
pitality, and you may hang me if they 


38 


ALL IN THE BREAKIN’ IN. 


haven’t come to the conclusion that they 
are doing a kind act by keeping me. In 
the face of such circumstances what’s a 
fellow going to do — ^there’s nothing to it 
but play the game. I^et me give you a 
tip right here — nobody gets the cream of 
anything during any of these grand cele- 
brations except the landlords, unless it’s 
taken right from the cow. I pride myself 
on having a pretty long reach when it 
comes to fighting for everything in sight, 
but don’t think I’m getting anything bet- 
ter at present than skimmed milk, and 
very little of that. The old folks’ pocket- 
book is being fattened at present. The 
only article that hasn’t gone up is the hot 
air that such and such a fellow is going 
to have concessions. The air is full of 
’em. Every house has been taken and 
filled to the utmost capacity. 


ALL IN THE BREAKIN’ IN. 


89 


The streets are alive with people of all 
nationalities. All your friends and all 
your relations, uncles, aunts, cousins, 
grandmas, and grandpas — in fact, peo- 
ple whom you never dreamed or thought 
of as being your kinfolks are beginning 
to pop in on you, and you are expected 
to face the music with a smile. When 
the game turns to such a state of affairs 
I think it’s high time to work overtime 
on the flying machine. 

Why, just the other day, while going 
down the street, I heard a sort of a sil- 
very voice calling, ‘‘Hello, Jim! Hello, 
Jim.” Upon turning around I found it 
was my old friend Lediableboiteaux. The 
old girl who sat me down before the first 
meal I had in this country, and, while 
she raised the devil with me, I still had 


40 


ALL IN THE BREAKIN’ IN. 


a soft spot for her within me and couldn’t 
turn her down cold. 

There is no use in being unkind to 
any one, if you can get some one else to 
deliver the goods for you or take the job 
off your hands. We shook hands and 
talked about old times. She had changed 
very much since I last saw her ; however, 
the change was for the better. Accord- 
ing to her story, a rich uncle had left her 
some money, and it didn’t take her long 
to tell me that she did not have to work 
in the kitchen any more — she looked it. 

She had on one of the latest style 
close fitting skirts with lots of those 
flimsy things around the bottom of it, and 
a large picture hat which seemed to add 
a piquancy to her already very attractive 
countenance. In fact. Bates, she was 


ALL IN THE BREAKIN’ IN. 


41 


what you might call a ‘warm member.’ 
Anyway, she has turned out to be one of 
those girls you can’t shake off in one mo- 
ment. You simply have to wait until 
she tells you good-bye. 

I stood there and listened to her un- 
til I got real nervous, but there was noth- 
ing to do but to stick to it. I suggested 
that we move to a restaurant. After 
spending an hour or so there we moseyed 
to her boarding house. Here she played 
the piano — sang and played the clever act 
all evening. A more surprised person 
than myself could not have been found 
anywhere. 

This Miss Pauline Lediableboiteaux — 
don’t forget the name — has turned out 
to be a perfect dream. She is tall, shape- 
ly, has a military disposition, and can 


42 


ALL IN THE BREAKIN’ IN. 


give the latest kangaroo walk, as though 
she had been raised to it. My first visit 
was not the last, and now the word goes 
around that I^m head over heels in love 
with her. 

It is when she holds up her dress dur- 
ing rainy days that she catches my eye, 
and I, ‘‘Johnny on the spot” every time — 
she certainly can display an article that 
looks like the real stuff — nothing but 
pure, solid, substantial material. The 
credit is all hers and not to the cotton. 


A FRIENDLY TIP— NIT 



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A Friendly Tip — Nit 


B ates says she is the finest piece 
of furniture he has seen in a long 
time and wishes he could get in 
line himself. I had been talking to Bates 
about this girl for some time and from 
the way I had been doping her up to him 
he thought he was fairly well acquainted 
with her, and was anxious to meet her — 
would take almost any means to accom- 
plish that end. So I was suspicious of 
his actions and never would take much 
stock in his advice. He was one of those 
pretty good looking fellows with winning 
ways, and had a machine about his face, 
which, when once started, it was a hard 


46 


ALL IN THE BREAKIN’ IN. 


proposition to stop. He came in one even- 
ing, saying: IVe come to talk 

common sense with you ; can I do it 

^^Certainly, I would like to hear you 
talk good horse sense, if you can,” I said, 
don^t want you to go up in the air 
when the subject gets a little warm.” 

course not; there are enough mi- 
crobes in the air now.” 

“Well,” started Bates, “you are going 
with this Miss Pauline ; IVe been watch- 
ing you for some time and the other day I 
diagnosed your case to be a very bad 
one; so much so that you are wall-eyed 
over her. She is a very fine girl, but you 
will never do for her. Did you ever stop 
to think of the difference there is between 
you two?” 

“She is what I call a large woman and 


ALL IN THE BREAKIN’ IN. 


47 


you a small man. In no kind of an argu- 
ment would you stand any show — why, 
if that woman was to fall on you, there 
would be nothing left but a grease spot. 
If you were to marry her, she would lead 
you around by the nose like she would a 
parrot.” 

“W-e-1-1,” I interrupted. 

‘Wait 'till I'm through,'' continued 
Bates, “then you will have your say so. 
Now suppose you would bark loud enough 
to this Frauline and she'd marry you ; I'd 
certainly take you to be a foolish puppy. 
You certainly would have to quit sleep- 
ing in dog fashion, and use the railing of 
the bed as a safeguard. I wouldn't like 
to see you participate in that game. I've 
got too much regard for your old bones. 

“From the point of feminine beauty 


48 


ALL IN THE BREAKIN’ IN. 


her equal is hard to find ; but, on the 
other hand, if you look at her from top 
to bottom and on all sides, you’ll notice 
the tough problem the man will be up 
against who undertakes to handle it. Oh ! 
my boy, what a job it’ll be. You know 
she has already made you feel like a 
piece of bad money. 

'‘Take my case of last year. I came 
nearer strolling down the aisle with that 
damsel of mine than I ever hope to again. 
When I started to win that fairy, didn’t I 
get it good and handsome? How many 
times did she make me feel like a plugged 
nickel? The count on my fingers and 
toes wouldn’t begin to tell you the story. 
Many a time I’ve left her house feeling 
like a dog that had swallowed a bone and 
been kicked in the face for going on 
strange grounds to get it. 



* ‘Pauline” 












ALL IN THE BREAKIN’ IN. 


49 


*‘What do I do now? If she tells me 
that Billy Murry of Chicago is coming 
to see her next week, I don't tell her he 
is a good-for-nothing fellow and all that 
sort of rot. Why, Fm glad that he is 
coming, as I'm going to see Billy's sister 
that very same week." 

‘^I think you are about half way right 
in your argument," I remarked. 

‘‘Jim, did you ever sleep with your old 
dad, and in your dreams light into the 
old gentleman with both hands, thinking 
it was your girl; smooth his hair, pat 
him on the face, and love him so hard 
that he would wake up disgusted with 
your affection and call you down, saying : 
‘Break away! Break away! Who in the 
devil do you think I am? If you don't 
stay away from me. I'll roll you to helan- 


50 


ALL IN THE BREAKIN’ IN. 


gone.’ ? Well, that’s me a thousand times 
over. Isn’t such dreams and disappoint- 
ment all the stuff though? It makes a 
well developed case of D. T.’s look like 
peaceful slumber. This goes to show 
that there is nothing in the calendar a 
fellow in love won’t do. 

‘T’ll tell you,” continued Bates after 
some hesitation, “I’m a firm believer in 
that old saying that all good things are 
brought to your door, and am one of 
those guys who is going to wait, too.” 

“Now, Bates, I’ve been listening to 
you with a sort of suspicious feeling, but 
I don’t think you would talk to me as you 
have and then at the first opportunity 
jump into my shoes, would you?” 

“Of course not, Jim; we’ve been 
friends too long for that. Let’s go to 


ALL IN THE BREAKIN’ IN. 


51 


Gib’s Place and have a drink and we’II 
forget all about our little troubles.” 

Gib’s is certainly a place where a fel- 
low will forget his troubles, if he stays 
long enough. There’s where many of the 
old boys meet for a social time and many 
of ’em wander back home singing, '‘In 
the Morning, Bye and Bye.” 

We met a couple of Bates’ friends 
there and were invited to take a smile; 
after a few rounds it appeared to me as 
though there would be no end to the 
game, so decided to take it very gently. 
Bates, however, was going the limit at 
every round, and the weight of his pack- 
age was beginning to tell on him, and the 
time wasn’t far off when he would be 
over-weighted; so decided that it was 
time for us to move on. 


52 


ALL IN THE BRBAKIN' IN. 


‘‘Wait, just another,” said Bates, “then 
we’ll go.” Another round was ordered 
and then we started for home — and the 
last one is the one that generally does 
the biz. 

“Jim (hie) — (hie) I (hie) think (hie) 
you’d (hie) better walk to (hie) street 
ear (hie) with me (hie).” We walked to 
the ear together arm in arm, helping eaeh 
other to earry our little freight. Bates, 
when a little polluted, tries to be a sort of 
humorist, and as we entered the ear he 
began to eraek jokes. 

Let me give you a tip right here — 
never help a man home who takes a jag 
along with him. I’m talking experienee 
to you. Drop him in the sewer and let 
him go down the river with the rest of 
the refuse. Charity begins at home ; you 


ALL IN THE BREAKIN' IN. 


53 


can't be charitable to yourself and help 
a man home who can’t carry his package. 

The result of my helping Bates home 
is that I’m sitting here with two lovely 
shiners. The party who handed me the 
rosettes certainly landed fair and square 
between my optics. In a pinch. Bates 
could have carried his load home by him- 
self ; that is, with a clear and wide road. 
I’ll never again help another home. 

We occupied the last seat in the car — 
did this in case Bates should get seasick. 
He began to tell me the funny side of his 
family troubles and when he saw I wasn’t 
much interested he switched onto the con- 
ductor. He called the attention of the 
passengers to the conductor’s shirt-tail, 
which was gazing through the rear end 
of his pajamas; told him that he was 


54 


ALL IN THE BREAKIN’ IN. 


dressed very poorly for a man who jerked 
nickels and let his own conscience judge 
as to the salary he should receive, and 
made many other remarks that few men 
would stand for, even though they were 
true. 

The Knight of the Bell Cord stepped 
up and belted him a few, and when I tried 
to argue the question with him he folded 
his big mit and threw it at me, and be- 
fore the storm was over the lump had 
struck me right between the eyes. You 
ought to see my daguerreotype. If the 
face is the index of the mind, youM cer- 
tainly think I had a very rot-chapter in 
my reservoir. Then the reception we re- 
ceived at his home is something that no 
sane man could forget. His father lit- 
erally lit into us with both feet ; he being 


ALL IN THE BREAKIN’ IN. 


55 


a temperance man from way back, noth- 
ing else could be expected. The old gen- 
tleman told us how rotten we were; he 
wished that both of us had fallen in the 
barrel and drowned. 

Well, sir, the lecture had such an effect 
on Bates that he began to act like a 
drowning man right away. The water 
oozed from his mouth in a big stream — 
a regular Beaumont gusher. Things 
were very warm at the old house and I 
nailed my situation in a holy minute as 
extremely hot, and left. 


THE RESULT OF 
DIPLOMACY 


\ 

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The Result of Diplomacy 

ATES, what did you tell me the 
JJ other day about this Miss Pau- 
line?’^ 

“What did I tell you? Why, I told 
you she wasn’t the girl for you, of 
course.” 

“Well, what in the devil are you do- 
ing with her, then?” 

“Why, I think she’s just the proper 
caper for me; it takes diplomacy to win 
now-a-days.” 

“Oh, is that the way you work things ? 
You advise a fellow to drop the works 
and you take hold of the pan while it’s 
still steaming. All right, my tall friend, 
you’ll hear from me again.” 


60 


ALL IN THE BREAKIN’ IN. 


"'Now, here, you little two-by-four, 
don’t you make any threats. You look 
as though you hadn’t got over the last 
blow she gave you.” 

“Let me tell you one thing. Bates, 
don’t come at me with any more diplo- 
matic advices of yours, or you’ll get in 
bad.” 

"‘Now, now, Jim, don’t go off in a 
flurry; it’s best for us to be friends. I 
want you to go out and have a good time 
with me Tuesday night. I’m going to 
preside at the Alpha Bata ball, which is 
to be given in Berry, and is going to be 
something very swell. I’ve got Pauline’s 
company for that night, and I intend to 
cut a big figure with her that evening. 
I’ll find another girl for you, and the treat 
is on me if you don’t enjoy yourself.” 


ALL IN THE BREAKIN’ IN. 


61 


“By the way, I’ve got to take a run up 
to Chicago tomorrow, and will return 
just in time for the ball. I want you to 
see that my suit is made right and ready 
for that evening, will you?” 

“Sure, I’ll stay right with the tailor 
’till it’s done.” 



THE CHANCE OF A 
LIFETIME 


<> 


✓ 


The Chance of a Lifetime 


N OW, here was the chance for me; 
you bet I saw that the suit was 
made all right. If Pauline stuck 
to him after that ball he could have her 
with my consent. 

Now, suppose some gazabel would 
do you a turn such as this fellow did; 
wouldn’t you use your sense of reci- 
procity and see that he got “his” good and 
fine when the opportunity presented it- 
self? Don’t I hear you say “Yes”? 

This was an odd sort of aifair from the 
beginning, as printed invitations had 
been sent out with the request not to 
bring ladies with us, as company of the 


66 


ALL IN THE BREAKIN’ IN. 


female variety had already been selected 
for the occasion, and giving instructions 
as to how we should dress ; also how the 
ball would be conducted; that it would 
be something out of the ordinary. 

Bates talked about what a grand time 
he would have that evening, and that he 
was sure to work himself in good and 
solid with Miss Pauline on that occasion. 

His suit was made strictly according to 
orders and the result was very satisfac- 
tory. The suit was sewed so that when 
I wanted to pull a thread out of it the 
whole works would fall apart. 

His shoes were injected with a healthy 
dose of Limburger cheese and I paid a 
man to fix a sack of flour above the door 
of our room so that it would spill its con- 
tents on him should he return to the hotel 


ALL IN THE BREAKIN’ IN. 


67 


before I did. In my opinion, things were 
certainly developing for a great time at 
the ball, and if Bates didn’t make a hit, 
it wouldn’t be anybody’s fault. 

^‘Certainly expect to show these guineas 
a few tricks about how dancing should 
be conducted tonight,” remarked Bates 
as we entered the hall. 

“If you don’t attract attention tonight 
I’ll find out the reason,” I answered. 
Knowing what was going to happen, I 
was so full of laughing material I 
thought I’d certainly bust before things 
got to going. He swung on to Miss Pau- 
line as soon as he spotted her out, and it 
wasn’t very long before he was gliding 
around the hall. 

“Bates,” interrupted Pauline, “don’t 
you think there is something about this 
place that doesn’t smell exactly right?” 


68 


ALL IN THE BREAKIN’ IN. 


“Yes/^ said Bates, with the remark 
that the odor was getting stronger all 
the time. 

^‘Can you detect the sort of perfume it 
is?’^ asked the young lady. 

“No, I can not, and certainly don^t 
envy the owner of it.’’ 

“The odor is getting more offensive 
every minute,'' continued Pauline with a 
somewhat dilapidated countenance. 

“I'll see if some of the boys have also 
detected that horrible smell," said Bates, 
looking nervous and anxious. By this 
time every one in the hall had gotten a 
nose full and were looking at each other 
in wonderment. 

He came to me, remarking, “That some 

one had brought some d bad perfume 

with them." 


ALL IN THE BREAKIN’ IN. 


69 


“Very much so. It smells like Lim- 
burger to me.’' 

“By gosh ! That’s just what it is, and 
I’ll bet some one has doped one of us with 
it,” remarked Bates^ with a suspicious 
look. 

“Announce that you have detected the 
odor of Limburger and that it is your im- 
pression some one has been tricked,” I 
suggested. He took the floor and made 
the following announcement in a loud 
and nervous voice: 

“Ladies and Gentlemen: I am quite 
sure that there is not one among us who 
is not aware of a very offensive odor 
about this hall. To all appearances this 
place seems to be clean and healthy and 
there is no doubt but that some one has 
been the victim of a most hellish trick. 


70 


ALL IN THE BREAKIN’ IN. 


We have all agreed that the odor is that 
of Limburger cheese. Now, in order not 
to make this evening (so well prepared 
for the enjoyment of everybody here) a 
failure, and as no one knows whom the 
guilty party is, I would suggest that all 
the men folks pass into the private room 
and examine every corner of his clothes. 
It is my opinion that the men alone are 
apt to be the victims ;* then we can resume 
the evening’s pleasure as though nothing 
had happened.” 

Yells of ^‘That fellow is all right” was 
the returned appreciation of the listen- 
ers. His suggestion was acted upon and 
every one but Bates returned to the hall 
with a smile on his face, ignorant of the 
party who had caused such consterna- 
tion. He came in with a sort of slow 


ALL IN THE BREAKIN’ IN. 


71 


and nervous step and wondering look — 
but he is a fellow full of brass and iron 
nerve ; one who believes in forgetting his 
troubles, so his face soon took up the old 
smile. My risibilities were so affected 
with the success of my scheme that I 
found it absolutely necessary to leave for 
awhile and compose my features. I sim- 
ply cried with laughter for a few mo- 
ments, then came back to the hall when 
nearly all had resumed dancing. Bates 
had purchased another pair of shoes and 
was enjoying himself as though nothing 
had happened. If trouble would stay 
away when forgotten, the joys of many 
would be lengthened. 

Bates’ troubles had just begun and 
while he had forgotten his first dose, he 
was soon to ^‘get his” in large quanti- 


72 


ALL IN THE BREAKIN’ IN. 


ties. Things went on pretty smoothly 
until supper was served, when I took a 
chair beside Pauline. 

On occasions of this kind it seems as 
though everybody feels a little squirm- 
ish; they can’t sit still and are not satis- 
fied with only a few things — the whole 
show is wanted, and people always have 
more room to store away the stuff than 
at any other time — ^life is at its liveliest. 
Pauline was acting as though she were 
sitting on a red-hot plate and everybody 
else must have had a dose of it. 

‘‘Say, Pauline, I believe there is some- 
thing wrong with Bates’ coat in the seam 
of his collar; see that white thread?” 

“Oh, yes,” she exclaimed, attracting 
everybody’s attention. “One moment. 
Bates ; let me pull out that white thread ; - 


ALL IN THE BREAKIN’ IN. 


73 


it doesen’t look very good sticking out 
there. My goodness! how long is it?” 

'‘Oh I That’s all right,” interrupted 
Bates. “You see the time was so short 
in which to have my suit made that the 
tailor had to make a hurry-up job of it, 
and I presume overlooked the removal 
of some bastings.” 

Well, sir, things began to show signs 
of a strong finish, and the house will cer- 
tainly enjoy a grand scene to Bates’ sor- 
row. 

Some one told a funny story about a 
white thread and Bates gave a hearty 
laugh. Suddenly his coat fell down be- 
low his shoulders and gave him the ap- 
pearance of being rigged out in a low- 
necked dress. Then his sleeves began to 
give way. The people were beginning to 


74 


ALL IN THE BREAKIN’ IN. 


realize his situation and laughed at him. 
He sobered very suddenly — his counte- 
nance couldn't have changed quicker if 
some one had pasted him with a piece of 
lemon pie. He got up from the table 

with a ‘‘Well, I'll be d d," and ran 

out of the reception room into the hall; 
on his way out he got tangled up in his 
trousers, which were falling, and finally 
reached the floor. In his excitement he 
yelled, “Friends, hell is in this room, get 
out!" 

He ran through the street to his room, 
which was but a few blocks away, like a 
wild deer. I followed to stop him, think- 
ing he had had enough. It was my in- 
tention to prevent his getting that other 
dose which was certainly awaiting him. 
I saw him open the door and the flour 





“Bates Getting the Final Dose” 






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ALL IN THE BREAKIN’ IN. 


75 


fell — ^poor boy — ^the last blow is the one 
that does the biz. He turned and ran out 
of the house. I tried to catch him, but 
he knocked me down, saying, “Let me 
get out, and run for your life, the world 
is coming to an end.’^ 

The night watchman arrested him 
after a long and hard chase and lodged 
him in the calaboose. To save him the 
humiliation of being locked up all night, 
I tried to get him out, but the police 
wouldn’t stand for it until he had been 
examined by the doctor. The next day, 
after the examination, the physician pro- 
nounced him sound and sane and asked 
him why he was running through the 
streets in such a negligee and reckless 
manner. He answered, “I hadn’t noticed 
until I was placed in this dungeon that 
my clothes wasn’t with me; everything 
seems like a dream.” 


I 


PHONE CONVERSATION 









Phone Conversation 


"‘Thatchoo, Bates?’' 

“Yeh, Hoozat?” 

'‘Smee — Pauline.” 

Pauline! Smatter?” 

'‘Nothin’ — though’d call yup and tell 
you I woriedover yuh a’night, and — ” 

“Ah, no, not over me ; mustabena 
dream, for I staid in the calaboose all 
night.” 

“Wat kinda place ezat?” 

“Ida know, onletsa place where the 
p’lice putsa a man who looses his clothes 
before he gets ’ome.” 


80 


ALL IN THE BREAKIN’ IN. 


“Dontchoo know watsa calaboose?'^ 

“You don’t meana jail?” 

“Well, it’s the closest thing towit I 
ever wanta get into.” 

“Say, Pauline, howjuh feel after that 
disastrous dance?” 

“All right, but it spoiled everything for 
you.” 

“Oh, no! Dontchoo suppose if yuh 
were to find your shoes fulla cheese, 
which carried a bad smell, and lose your 
clothes in a crowded hall, and run ’ome 
only to’ave a sacka flour jump into your 
face, you’d think you’d had a lively 
time ?” 

“Juhknow, I think that sawful and Jim 
is the cosovit all.” 

“Nodoubt aboutit — willfiixem ifican. 
I think the best way t’do it sfar us to stick 
together.” 


ALL IN THE BREAKIN’ IN. 


81 


‘I’ll doat alright. Comminover soon?” 

“Guesso, tomorrow.” 

“Say, Pauline, jeer anythin’ more about 
that special act of mine that night?” 

“Nothin’ particular, only Billy Wood- 
gate had to poke in eznose and say some- 
thing.” 

“Wat strubble withim?” 

“Letcha know soon. Say, Bates, don’t 
tell wattitoldjuhbout Billy Woodgate. 
B’shoor ancomover tomorrow. Which 
dress juh want me to put on — ^the pale 
blue?” 

“Sure, the ribless one.” 

“B’by.” 

“G’by.” 






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» 

A Dodging Game 

T he reports of all the different 
things Bates would hand me on 
our first meeting was the cause of 
my walking many blocks out of my 
usual route to avoid his kindness of heart, 
for I think this is one of the traits in 
human nature which is very susceptible 
to a quick change under almost any con- 
dition. I’ve come to the conclusion that 
all these fellows who follow you with 
pockets full of kindness are the ones most 
willing to turn their breeches wrong side 
out for a five spot — that’s been my ex- 
perience. 

I was getting mighty tired of doing all 


86 


ALL IN THE BREAKIN’ IN. 


this walking for nothing and thought it 
well to save the leather of my shoes, for 
I might need it in another mad chase of 
another damsel. It occurred to me the 
other day that the dog who does the 
loudest barking is the one less apt to 
bite, and so proceeded to switch onto my 
old route. I had not looked the old 
street full in the face when up bobs my 
long-lost friend. Bates. 

“Well, well, well ! Where in the devil 
have you been, Jim?^* 

“Oh, Tve been doing the dodging act 
until yesterday, when I heard that you 
had lots of good things to hand me.” 

“Well, I don't know — about the only 
thing I could loosen up is a good bunch 
of news; if I were to tell you I doubt 
very much whether you would agree with 


ALL IN THE BREAKIN’ IN. 


87 


“Is that so, let's hear it." 

“No, I'll not break the news to you 
until later on. I want to talk about that 
G-r-a-n-d Ball." 

“Haven't you forgotten about that 
yet?" 

“Forgotten it !" exclaimed Bates. 
“Well, I should say not. How could I 
when I was so well impressed with it, 
that I left more skin and flesh on the 
ball room floor and steps than there was 
left on that portion of my anatomy I 
might call the north end. I had to use a 
cushion for two weeks afterwards and 
eat from the mantel; and don't you for- 
get it, in the future all my clothes will 
be made from my own instructions; no 
more trusting for mine. On the level, 
Jim, don't you think it was a pretty raw 
piece of work?" 


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ALL IN THE BREAKIN’ IN. 


“Sure it was, but what else could you 
expect ?” 

“That's true, too, but don't you think 
you could have come at me with a differ- 
ent proposition?" 

“Certainly, but the surest way is the 
quickest, you know." 

“Did you stay until the end of the 
dance ?" 

“Sure, we all left after you had gone. 
The curtain always drops with the last 
act, which is very often the best, and in 
this case there wasn't any use for an 
encore." 

“Now, I think it must have been a 
funny sight." 

“Funny, well I should say so. You 
were a lovely picture grabbing here and 
there for your clothes as though the floor 
had been trying to rob you of 'em." 


LofC. 


ALL IN THE BREAKIN’ IN. 


89 


^‘Yes, and when I reached the room, I 
thought I had landed into a flour mill.” 

“Well, you know some people, even 
though they have a full stomach, need 
some desert to top it of? — that was 
yours !” 

“Well, I tell you, Jim,” said Bates, 
with a sort of down in the stomach look, 
“that’s the tack which nailed the coflin, 
so far as dancing and balls are concerned 
— no more for me.” 

“What about that bunch of good 
news ?” 

“Well, I just want to tell you that that 
little piece of work you did at the dance 
for me didn’t do the work as you ex- 
pected, for Pauline and I are thicker than 
ever — that’s good news, isn’t it? Let me 
add a little more to that — we are going to 


90 


ALL IN THE BREAKIN' IN. 


be married next week; that’s some more 
good news, isn’t it?” 

“Sure it is, but let me give you a tip 
right here. There is such a thing as car- 
rying a joke too far, and the man who is 
paying for cream and getting milk is 
pretty apt to get milk in the end and 
skimmed milk at that ; furthermore, a girl 
who sticks like this Miss Pauline, you 
can gamble it’s a pretty safe bet that she 
is a good and fine girl to let some other 
fellow marry. You know one of the 
hardest jobs a man has ever had is to 
look pleasant when the laugh is on him. 
As far as I’m concerned, you’ve run a 
good and honest race and you’ve beat 
me to the wire, but after looking at the 
prize I didn’t think it was worth the 
burning of the candle, so slowed up be- 
fore I was half way.” 


ALL IN THE BREAKIN’ IN. 


91 


“I understand that you called on her 
not long ago,” remarked Bates. “What 
kind of a reception did she give you?” 

“Well, the girl didn't mean any harm, 
but let me tell you that she didn't make 
love to me. I stayed in her house just 
about long enough to turn around and 
run out.” 

“Well, anyway, it's good news, isn't 
it? Let's shake hands on the subject.” 

“Yes, and may she be a devil to you as 
long as she lives with you.” 

“Say, Jim, I was thinking about you 
yesterday and wishing I could see you. I 
was in need of five dollars and am in the 
same condition today. I need it for only 
a couple of days — sure, you can depend 
on it then. Between you and I, I'm go- 
ing to quit down there next week unless 
they give me another fifty.” 


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ALL IN THE BREAKIN' IN. 


“And maybe you think that’s some 
more good news, isn’t it?” Out another 
five, that’s all. 

Think of it! To be married and bor- 
rowing five dollars. The Lord help the 
sucker. 


MARRIED LIFE 





Married Life 


M arriage — wonder what that 
is? It must be a sort of an ad- 
venturous thing for a fellow to 
do — an hazardous one — a most strenuous 
undertaking; it takes a ton of courage, 
and while Bates displayed class and true 
gameness thus far, I can see his finish 
among the also was. 

Married life is like many other things ; 
a little of it once in a while is better than 
lots of it all the while. But when a fellow 
is a believer in ‘‘change of pasture makes 
a fat calf,” there is nothing to it but “me 
to the prairie or bust,” and in most cases 
the exploding point is soon in sight. 


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ALL IN THE BREAKIN’ IN. 


Just the other day I met Bates and he 
looked kind of cloudy in the face. ‘‘How 
about it?” I remarked, “have you all the 
essentials that go to make a good home ?” 

“Well, I reckon I have; my wife just 
coughed up the last payment on the cook 
stove.” 

“So you think a man, a woman and a 
cook stove are all the necessaries of an 
ideal home, do you?” 

“Certainly, what else would you have ?” 

“Well, my idea is that your home will 
never be complete until you cut out the 
cook stove and put a baby in its place.” 

“What a h ! Don’t you think Fm 

in deep enough now ?” 

“Sure, but you know the game gets 
more interesting the more you get into 
it; though looking at you I should judge 


ALL IN THE BREAKIN’ IN. 


97 


that you have a pretty bad case of stom- 
ach trouble as it is.” 

‘'Do you remember,” I continued, see- 
ing that Bates was troubled by my re- 
mark, “I told you that Pauline was a be- 
liever in ‘One hold fast is worth two thou 
shalt have,’ and that she was a good girl 
to let some other fellow worry along 
with? 

“What’s the matter with your left eye ? 
There is a black spot there as big as a 
dollar. Did she try to get rid of the 
stove before it was paid for?” 

“Say, Jim,” said Bates anxiously, 
“that spot on my eye doesn’t look like a 
dollar does it? If it does I’ll not go back 
home for fear Pauline would try to dig it 
out, as she is certainly hot after the al- 
mighty silver. 


98 


ALL IN THE BREAKIN’ IN. 


"‘That eye,” continued Bates, “is what 
I got for objecting to her holding up my 
pants the other night.” 

“Say, Bates, isn’t it true that all good 
things come to him who waits? So I’m 
waiting, w-a-i-t-i-n-g, w-a-i-t-i-n-g,” and 
as I continued on my way Bates heaved a 
sigh, and turned into Gib’s place in search 
of a friend to aid him in forgetting that 
life is not all a fast track with light 
weight up, but that the hardest part of 
our troubles is “all in the breakin’ in !” 





I 



DEC 2 1904 





